Best Russian and Ukrainian jokes

2012-02-08T11:44:00.001+04:00

***
A wife says to his husband:
-We don't go out with you at all.
-Ok, tomorrow I will go to dispose of garbage
and will take you with me.:)

More jokes about men and women

2012-02-05T17:45:00.001+04:00

***
A drunk man came home very late
and rang at the door. His wife didn't
want to open the door. The man said:
-Open, I brought roses for the most beautiful
woman in the world.
The wife opened the door and asked :
-And where are the roses?
-And where is the most beautiful woman in the world?:)

More jokes about men and women

2012-02-02T13:17:00.001+04:00

***
A husband asks his wife :
-How can you be so calm after I yell at you?
-I just go and wash w.c. pan.
-And how does it help you?
-I wash it with your toothbrush.:)

More jokes about men and women

2012-02-01T12:29:00.001+04:00

***
A blonde woman is going through the customs.
The officer asks: "Do you have piercing and cutting things?
She answers: " No, only thongs."

More jokes about blondes

2012-01-31T18:03:00.002+04:00

***
Two friends are drinking vodka.
- My wife is a bitch.
-Why?
-Imagine, I came back from a business trip and found her with a lover.
Though I have sent her a telegram in advance.
Then he thought a few minutes and added:
-And maybe she is not a bitch. Maybe she just didn't receive a telegram...

More jokes about men and women

2012-01-30T13:25:00.003+04:00

***

Odessa. A man with his wife is sitting in the restaurant.

The waiter comes to them.

-What will your wife drink?

-My blood,- answered the man.

More jokes about men and women

2012-01-29T12:04:00.002+04:00

***

-You, men are so rude. You want only sex. But we need attention!

-Ok, attention!!! Now, you will have sex......

More jokes about men and women

2010-01-03T14:13:00.002+04:00

***
An American man, a German man and a Russian man were asked what orgasm means for them.

An American man : a gushing mineral oil

A German man: Sprays of champagne

A Russian man: a bottle of cold bear in the morning after drinking.

More jokes about other nations

2009-12-28T19:48:00.002+04:00

***
A pretty girl comes to the bed, touches the mattress and lays on
it. A young man comes to this bed, kisses the girl and begins to
make love with her, until until she feels an orgasm. Young
man dresses up and sais: - In principle, you will such feelings
every day, if you buy our orthopedic mattress.

More jokes about men and women

2009-12-28T19:39:00.003+04:00

***
They married and lived for long and happily. At
first one month happily, and
then 50 years for long.

More jokes about men and women

2009-12-25T13:24:00.002+04:00

***
The announcement in the maternity hospital:

"Only fathers who were present during the conception,
can be present during the childbirth."

More jokes about men and women

2009-07-24T11:30:00.004+05:00

***
The family came to the restaurant. They had a dinner and the father asked the waiter:
- Don't you mind if we take the rest of the food home for our dog?
-Yes, of course. -The waiter sayd.
-Wow, our parents will buy us a dog!- The children cried.

More jokes about men and women

2009-07-24T11:23:00.003+05:00

***

Real women do not marry real men, because a real woman doesn't agree to make love from the first meeting and a real man doesn't propose it twice.

more jokes about men and women

2009-03-16T15:55:00.005+04:00

***
After death an American and a Russian man got into the hell.
They were asked to what hell they wanted to get: Russian or American.
-"What is the difference?"- they asked.
-In American hell you have to eat one bucket of excrement and in Russian one -two buckets.
The American man chose the American hell and the russian man chose the Russian hell.
In a month they met.
"How are you?"- the Russian man asks.
"Fine."-the American man says.-"In the morning I eat a bucket of excrements and then I am free the whole day. And you?"
"Oh, as always. One day excrements are not delivered, the other day there are no enough buckets for all."

More jokes about other nations

2009-03-16T15:42:00.004+04:00

***
A Russian man,an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Chineese man agrued what natinality Adam and Eva were.
An Englishman says they were English as only a gentleman could offer a half of an apple to a woman.
A Frenchman says they were French, as only a French woman could give herself for a half of an apple.
A Chineese man thinks they were Chinese, as only Chinese people could occupy the Earth.
-No, a Russian man says. They could be only Russians. Naked, one apple for two people and think they are in heaven.:)

More jokes about other nations

2009-03-16T15:35:00.003+04:00

***
The man embraced his woman and asked her:
- Am I your first man?
She answered:
-It can be so. It seems I have seen you somewhere before.

More jokes about men and women

2008-10-29T15:30:00.002+04:00

***
Why blonde women stand near the window during the thunderstorm?
They think that they are being taken photos of.

More jokes about blondes

2008-10-29T15:14:00.010+04:00

***
Two blonde women stand at the airport and look at planes.
One blonde asks another blonde:" Listen and how do they steal planes? They are so big!
- You are a fool! They are stolen in the air, when they are little!

More jokes about blondes

2008-10-29T15:14:00.009+04:00

***
Why blondes open yoghurt just in the supermarket?
Because it is written there"Open here".

More jokes about blondes

2008-10-29T14:39:00.003+04:00

***
A blonde came to another blonde. They made coffee and the hot water left in the kettle.
One blonde asked another one what to do with hot water. The other blode said:"put it into the fridge. The hot water will always come in handy.

2008-10-29T14:12:00.004+04:00

***
What is the difference between Americans and Russians?
An American man when he set a pirate version of Windows thinks:" I save 300 dollars".
A Russian man when he set a pirate version of Windows is happy that Bill Gates hasn't receive 300 dollars.

More jokes about other nations

2008-10-29T14:08:00.003+04:00

***
Americans are very proud of their country and they offend when somebody doesn't share their opinion.
Russians hate their country but they offend when somebody shares their opinion.

More jokes about other nations

2008-07-30T17:55:00.007+05:00

***
The executioner came home from work. He was holding a bag behind his shoulders and something was moving in it.
-"What did you bring,"- the wife asked.
- I took some work home.”

More different jokes

2008-07-30T17:53:00.002+05:00

***
The ambulance picked up a man. The man asks : «Where are we going?»
-To morgue.
-But I haven't died yet.
-But we haven't come yet.

More different jokes

2008-07-30T17:35:00.004+05:00

***
Two Ukrainian men are going home in the village.
One says to the other:
-Mikola, do your pigs smoke?
-No
-Oh, so your shed is on fire!

More jokes about Ukrainians

2008-07-30T17:34:00.002+05:00

***
Ukraine measured the level of radiation and declared that it is a nuclear power.

More jokes about Ukrainians

2008-07-30T17:33:00.003+05:00

***
There was a tradition in Ukraine since old times, when a woman refused to marry a man,she gave him a pumpkin.
So at the end of summer lucky men had beloved wives, and clever men had a few tons of good vegetables.

More jokes about Ukrainians

2008-07-30T17:32:00.002+05:00

***
A German man says: « All the world knows that we are very punctual!»
A Russian man says: « All the world knows our breadth of soul!»
A Ukrainian man says: « All the world knows our Ukrainian pork fat!»
A Jewish man said: « Well, so it seems like we are unpunctual, callous vegetarians.»

2008-07-30T17:30:00.004+05:00

***
A Ukrainian man was shipwrecked. He lived on a desert island for two years.Once he saw a boat with a beautiful woman not far from the shore.
She said: « Come here, and I will give you that what you wanted these two years.
«Vareniki! Vareniki!»- the man cried and jumped into the water.

P.S Vareniki and pork fat are favorite Ukrainian food.

2008-07-30T17:29:00.005+05:00

***
Ten things that men know about women:
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)They have breasts.

More jokes about men and women

2008-07-30T17:27:00.003+05:00

***
The firm «Samsung» began to produce shareware coffee-machine. You can use it for 30 days for free and then it begins to put some laxative to your coffee to remind you about payment.

More different jokes

2008-07-30T17:26:00.001+05:00

***
Women's motto: « That's not true that all the men are pigs. Pigs didn't do anything bad to us!»

2008-07-30T17:24:00.001+05:00

***
The man came to the kindergarten and said : “Bring me my child”.
“ Which is yours”, -he was asked.
-It is no matter. Tomorrow all the same I will have to bring him back.

2008-07-30T17:21:00.004+05:00

***
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian man appeared on a desert island by accident. And once they saw a bottle near the shore. They opened the bottle and a genie came out. He said:” I will grant two wishes of everybody.
The Englishman said : “ I want a bag of money and to be at home. “
The Frenchman said:” I want a blond and to be at home”.
When they both disappeared the Russian thought :” It was a good company. It 's a pity that we have parted so foolishly.” And he said: “ I want a box of vodka and all to come back.”

2008-07-30T17:13:00.003+05:00

***
An old rich man married a very young girl. He worried a lot about her young age.
"I don't know how we will live with her," - he told his friend,- "I am eighty and she is eighteen. What shall I do?"
"Employ a young clerk,"- his friend told him.
In a year they meet.
-"How is your wife?"- his friend asked.
-She is pregnant.
-Yes? Congratulations ! And how is your clerk?
-She is also pregnant.

More jokes about men and women

2008-07-30T17:10:00.005+05:00

***
The baby was born in a family, but he didn't talk. At the age of 5 years old his parents took him to the doctor. “Don't worry,” -the doctor said. “He will begin to talk, but three people, whose names he will call first, will die. In some time the child said: “ granny”. And the grandmother died. Then he said “ granddad” and the grandfather died.
Once the mother of the child went shopping and said the father to stay at home with the child. The child played and then said:” Father”. The father prepared to die, put on his suit and lied down on the bed.The wife came home and said: “Why are you lying on the bed in a new suit.
We will go to the funerals, our neighbor died.”

More jokes about men and women